Motivations

Note: this blog entry was a long time developing. I wrote it almost a year ago, publishing it at IBM, but it really belongs here on my personal blog. Some of my Facebook connections, particularly my high school connections, will find this interesting if nothing else.

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While doing some landscaping I had an interesting and powerful thought. What is motivation? More particularly, where does motivation come from? How does it work? My thought process started with my posting a picture from my high school yearbook on Facebook. Friends from high school commented on it and we had some fun over it.

From that, hours later, I wondered how people who knew me in high school but not now would think of my current state of affairs. I was very immature in high school, a big-time screw-off, and so poorly understood by others I couldn't get a date for our senior prom even after asking more than a dozen classmates, two of my neighbors, and friends of my family's. Partially because of not getting a date for the prom I hated high school and until recently considered it the four worst years of my life.

Before anyone takes offense, I do not now, nor have I ever, blamed anyone other than myself for that. I was immature, perhaps even emotionally messed up, but I wasn't stupid. It took many years of very hard work to overcome some of my limitations and partially overcome others. I made some very good friends in high school, and now look at my past behavior not as a cause of events but merely to assist my understanding of those bad memories.

There were many times earlier in my life where I felt a need to "show them" I wasn't a complete failure. There are two things wrong with that statement. First, I'm not a failure. I may not have succeeded in things some people thought were important; that's their opinion, it should not be mine. Second, I've come to realize "I'll show them!" is not a very good motive. Oh sure, it can be effective, but its costs are very high and the results aren't necessarily worth the cost.

After thinking about that for a while, the idea of successful motivation came to me. I dislike pigeon-holing ideas, and yet I see two forms of motivation: external (do something because someone else thinks it's good) and internal (do something because you think it's good). I invite you to consider that and welcome you to reach your own conclusions. Mine, I think, are instructive.

External motivations usually imply someone other than you is telling you how to manage your life. The cause and/or source of external motivations can change without notice. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, there is no way of understanding the "why" of external motivations even if they are fully explained to you. Think about all of that for a moment, and then continue reading.

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Done? OK. Think about my prom story. At first I did not want to go. I was happy with that decision. My mother (with all good intentions) tried to talk me into it ("It's the last time you'll hang out with your high school friends. You'll build some good memories."). My friends also (again with good intentions) tried to get me to go ("Come one, we've got three couples. Ask someone and we can take a whole table.") Over time this wore me down and I started asking for dates.

Did I really want to go and convinced myself I didn't want to because of insecurity? Almost certainly; I still have weird feelings about it, although after 30 years of blocking them out memories of emotions are fuzzy. The person I really wanted to take was someone whose parents had come to believe I was "trouble." I asked her anyway and, predictably, her mother grabbed the phone and told me never to call again; I never got an answer to my question. So I asked others. Perhaps I asked the wrong people, not the right ones, or a bit of both. Perhaps it was too late, although only a few told me they were already going. Perhaps if I paid more attention to people around me I may have noticed those who liked me despite my immaturity. Whatever the reasons, I went from being reasonably happy to miserable in the space of a week, and stayed miserable until well after graduation. Why? Because my motivation came from outside myself. I tried to do something I didn't want to do to please others.

Fast forward 28 years. I'm laying in a hospital bed, after my first angioplasty to clear a 100% blockage in my heart. The doctor tells me I need another four stents to open up two more 90% blockages the next day. I ask the obvious question: why me? I kept a (reasonably) healthy diet, stayed active, watched all of my risk factors, and still had a heart attack before age 50, becoming the youngest ever in my family history to have a heart attack.

What would you ask after a heart attack at age 46? I asked, "OK, doc, what do I need to do not to have another heart attack?" He told me, and I've followed that prescription since, happily, with no doubts (although I do skip a workout or eat a Sausage McMuffin with Egg® on occasion). Why? What's different about this motivation than the other one? This time, my motivation comes from inside. While fear is some of it, I believe I have value to add to my family and society at large, and living longer gives me more time to do that.

This motivation works because I want this for me and my own goals, not for anyone else's goals. While those goals include being there for my family and friends, among other things, they are not my family's goals or my friends' goals. I chose them; they are what I consider important.

Despite what some may think I am not advocating being selfish; I'm only advocating making your own decisions within your own personal space and belief system.

To summarize, then, my insight was this: the most effective motivator for you, by far, is you. I encourage you to sit down and really think about what you want. Take those goals and make motivators out of them. Succeeding at external motivators is a hollow victory; you "won" for someone else. Win for yourself and others will share your joy.